For the last few days I’ve been getting (finally) more serious with the collection of poems I want to put out by the end of the year or sooner. In order to do this, I’ve been looking over and editing poems I previously wasn’t too happy with. I’m getting a little more confident with a few of them. The poem I have here is one of the ones I’m still on the fence about. I’d like my readers to read it, and hopefully enjoy it. If there’s anything good, bad, to be fixed, and really anything else to comment on about this one please do. I’m posting this one in particular to get feedback on. And please, be honest. That’s all I really ask 
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you do.
Our Tuesday Night
My mom and I
lived in this house, alone.
You’d think that conversation
would be unavoidable.
Out house is small, dull and
our paths cross too often
for us not to talk.
Out relationship had never
been strong. Even after
my dad left; we didn’t grow closer.
For an hour, every week,
every Tuesday night,
there was a partial bond.
Siting in front of the TV,
we’d watch Rory and
Lorelai, the Gilmore Girls;
a mother and her offspring
living their lives as friends.
Dinners used to be a time for family.
The show brought us together,
around a meal,
for just that short hour.
Now, the show is cancelled.
The years have gone by
with our communication
lessening even more.
If the Gilmores
had lasted a few more years,
maybe I could have made a friend.
I watch the show on DVD now,
alone, far from that home,
wishing my mother had been Lorelai.
-Robert Zimmermann
First off, I like the tone! Some notes:
My mom and I
lived in this house, alone.
You’d think that conversation
would be unavoidable. < I'd move this line to after the talk about the size of the house. Plus this line would segue the rest of this paragraph with the next (or is it called a stanza or something. IDK anything about poetry.
Out house is small, dull and (typo: Our*)
our paths cross too often
for us not to talk.
Out relationship had never (typo: Our*) (might use has instead of had here)
been strong. Even after
my dad left; we didn’t grow closer.
For an hour, every week,
every Tuesday night,
there was a partial bond. (maybe reword this? idea is great, but doesn't have the same impact. Maybe there was a fleeting bond?)
Siting in front of the TV,
we’d watch Rory and
Lorelai, the Gilmore Girls;
a mother and her offspring
living their lives as friends.
Dinners used to be a time for family.
The show brought us together,
around a meal,
for just that short hour.
Now, the show is cancelled.
The years have gone by
with our communication
lessening even more.
If the Gilmores
had lasted a few more years,
maybe I could have made a friend. (awe. good emotional hit here.)
I watch the show on DVD now,
alone, far from that home,
wishing my mother had been Lorelai. (maybe instead of wishing your mother was someone else it would have more impact if you just wished she had been like her. You could still use it like a metaphor though. Like this: "wishing my mother had been a Lorelai." or "wishing my mother had been my Lorelai"
See what you think! I really love the emotion in this piece and the tone! Hope my comments help in some small way!
I discussed this with you Becca, but for those reading this:
The typos were just me typing fast, those are fixed.
I also took into consideration the order of those lines in the beginning stanza. Edited there.
I also REALLY needed that feedback on the ending. “wishing my mother was a Lorelai.” Could always change but for now that’s it
Thanks Becca
I don’t think I can give detailed input, but my overall impression is that something isn’t quite right… Maybe it needs to be tightened up somehow? I’m not sure what it is. It just feels too much like spoken word and not enough like verse, if that makes sense.
I DO think the subject matter and the story it tells are compelling. I just think it needs something.
Maybe a focus on how the family dinners portrayed in the show were a kind of surrogate for the missing family dinners in the real world? Of course, I could be wrong about that, but it was an impression I got from the poem as it stands. If that impression is correct, maybe it needs to be more explicitly stated?
Thank you for that. I know what you mean about something not feeling quite right.
I worked on it a bit before posting it, but it was more random word changes, nothing major. It’s been haunting me for awhile. Basically I know there’s something in the poem to get out…I just haven’t been able to grasp it yet.
I like the idea of portraying the show a bit more. Now I see that that should happen a bit, especially for those who don’t know the show much. Since I know the show, I don’t think I’ll focus on the dinners haha. (Those who knwo the show will know why I laughed). I think I could work more of the character’s relationships in there and maybe tie it into something from the poem’s “real world.”
Thanks again Brandon, great feedback as always.
I’m definitely not an expert I read poetry but cat write. I really loved this poem. I disagree with changing the end line – it’s perfect-it’s honest as it is, not forced. I know of the show but haven’t watched so I still know what you mean despite not knowing the characters in the series. Cheers
I’m not any good with poetry, so I won’t give you any suggestions! But I do want to say that it is a good idea/story. Captures very well the way even a strained relationships has moments of connection.
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I am not a fan of poetry. I never read poetry (except for the poems you post or Dan’s poems – my writing partner). This poem can be really powerful, since the emotions it conveys are deep, really emotional, I can relate to what you say there (when I publish my autobiography you will know why
). However, I agree with Brandon’s opinion: this poem sounds quite a lot like prose. It is similar to that prose-like tone in poems by Whitman, for example, but you need to find that spark to make it the kind of poem that can blow people’s mind away (if that makes sense). It is not bad to write poetry in a prose-like way; it just needs more work than the average poem, I think.
I don’t know if this is useful. As I say, I don’t understand a word about poetry. But as a reader, I think I had to share my humble and honest opinion. It is a good poem, but it needs that awe-inspiring spark. Keep on working! I have read other poems written by you and they are fantastic
Except for the typos…
I agree with the prose comments, and believe with such a deep, personal topic, that your emotions can be conveyed with less words. To me this is more, storytelling, than poetry.
I always watched the Gilmore girls with my 3 daughters…grown-ups now…they realized how lucky they are compared to Lorelei’s mother!!! I never won a “MOMMY PRIZE”. And though, I raised them as a stern mother, and not as a friend, like Lorelei was to Rory, we, are much closer now as adults, and are friendly now that my daily mothering is no longer required. My own mother was not the mothering type, and I was determined to give much more direction than I ever received in the formative years. For, I am lucky to be alive!!!
I only tell you that to give you some personal insight on the topic of being a mother, in general. Perhaps, this will help you with your words.
Keep it up Robert. And if your mother is still alive…pick up the phone and call her! Or drop her a note in the mail…real snail mail!
EMAIL AND TEXTING DOESN’T COUNT!!!
1. I actually think it’s more powerful to say “wishing my mother had been Lorelai.” Adding “a” or “my” makes it too sentimental, maybe.
2. I agree with those who have mentioned that it’s a little too much like prose. I think what you need to pay close attention to with blank verse is sound sense. Alliteration, assonance, consonance. That kind of thing. Even meter. I think your writing is strongest when the rhythm is consistent and the sounds draw together.
Example:
My mom and I
lived in this house, alone. [[Great rhythm! Kind of like "my MOM and i LIVED in this HOUSE, aLONE". Smooth.]]
You’d think that conversation [[Runs a little long.. You lose your rhythm.]]
would be unavoidable.
Out house is small, dull and
our paths cross too often [[These two lines get some of the rhythm back nicely. Our HOUSE is small, DULL, (i recommend a comma) and our PATHS cross too OFTen.]] [[Plus in this line, you have Small and croSS. They match with uS on the next line and converSation before.]]
for us not to talk.
Siting in front of the TV,
we’d watch Rory and
Lorelai, the Gilmore Girls; [[rOry and lOrelai; the consonance and even some internal rhyme is nice. it makes it flow]]
a mother and her offspring
living their lives as friends. [[Living their Lives. good alliteration. ties back to Lorelai.]]
Connecting the sounds together and paying close attention to the rhythm will make this flow better, I think. The emotions are great and what you’re trying to do with the Gilmore Girls metaphor is very cool. It just needs some mechanical tightening, I think.